This Isnt What I Meant By “Threesome”

When was the last time you woke up in the morning and didn’t find an extra body in your bed? When you’re single in your 20s, to have this magical moment happen would be bragging bliss. When you’re married with children you’d still die for it to happen; just not this way.

You know the routine: you spend the hour plus in the bedtime ritual of bath, story, potty, another story, glass of water, and story before they fall asleep. You and the missus get some 90 minutes of grown up time before you shrug off to bed yourselves.

Then, magically, mysteriously, spontaneously, in the dead of night, the third wheel appears. And it’s not the coquettish coed of your dreams, it’s little Cindy Lou Who tugging at the corner of your bedsheet asking to join the party because of monsters or something.

So in she crawls. At first, it’s fine. You’re a little tight, but you can deal. But the kid likes to wiggle. The worm likes to squirm and while you may be lucky enough to avoid a knifing knee in the ribs or a flailing fist in the eye, you can’t avoid the squeeze play the child pulls.

She’ll twist and turn and turn your bed into some alphabet lesson. If it’s not an H, then it’s an A. She’s either across your waits or up in your face and it’s something you can’t fight.

The next time you’re awoken by a screaming “Daaaaaa-deeeeeee” somewhere in the dark of night, it’s best to wave the flag of surrender right away.

Give up your territory.

Go to the couch.

This isn’t the threesome you’ve been dreaming of.

Illustration from Christopher Niemen in the New York Times.

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3 Comments

  1. CrunchyCarpets September 21, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    try it with two kids, a dog and sundry cats all trying to get into the bed..

  2. Troy September 28, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    On our third daughter, we finally decided to just give up, and go for the king sized bed… didn’t help. I’m still sleeping on the edge of the bed.rnrnTroy

  3. Troy September 28, 2009 at 10:48 am

    On our third daughter, we finally decided to just give up, and go for the king sized bed… didn't help. I'm still sleeping on the edge of the bed.

    Troy

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