When That Kid Interferes With Your Plans[twitter]No matter how you try to control the conversation, the moment your kids get in the wild, you lose all control of what they hear, how they hear it, and when they hear it.

How you teach your kid the birds and the bees would be the biggest example of this.

We’ve never lied to our kids about how things happen in the world, but we measure out the information they’re given on  a need to know basis that is appropriate for their age and understanding.

The boys know that a man gives his “squirm” to a woman and the baby is born through her “bagina.” They know that babies are made when two people love each other very much.

That often leads to interesting conversations when they announce how much they love their mother and want to give their squirm to her when they grow up.

So there’s that.

NOW I’M SQUIRMING

We saw a pregnant lady walk past us and I asked Zacharie to explain to Charlie how she got pregnant, expecting the ‘squirm’ story. Then he blurted out “boys have weiners, girls have holes and the boys put the weiners in the holes -“ I stopped him as quickly as I could.

Sweat broke out on my brow. I asked where he heard that story.  “From Tom*,” he matter-of-factly mentioned.

Tom got in my son’s face at swimming last week and announced he and Sally* were going to have 10 babies. Tom and Sally were both in Zacharie’s class last year. Both were problem children with disruptive behaviour issues that were one of the many reasons we left the public school system. But now Tom is in the swimming class next to Zacharie.

Last week, Jen saw him screaming at Zacharie mere inches from his face as if he was a baseball manager arguing a close play at the plate.  It wasn’t until walking home from school yesterday that we found out what they were talking about.

When we got home, I flipped on cartoons for Charlie and pulled Zacharie over to a quiet corner.

As sincerely and as honestly as I could, I told him conversations about the body are very personal and if he has any questions about how anything works, to ask Momma or Daddy. I told him we would always be there to answer questions and that Moms and Dads know more about things than kids at swimming lessons or on the playground. If anyone ever brings up silly stories, he needs to come and tell us right away so we can set things straight.

I told my wife what happened when she got home from dinner. “I knew that kid was trouble,” she scowled. “I should have pulled him away. We need an anatomy book.”

Yup, time to get in front of the story, because now that my kids are out in the wild world, we don’t control the narrative anymore.

* names have been changed.
Image via Mydhili Bayyapunedi on Flickr

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8 Comments

  1. Modern Dad Pages April 6, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    Oh wait the stories get better as they get older! My eldest who’s 16 said he can google anything he needs to know about sex

  2. Modern Dad Pages April 6, 2015 at 10:03 pm

    I tried leaving a comment earlier using my phone, but it wouldn’t take lol! Anyways just wait as it gets worse. My eldest who’s 16 told me he can google anything he needs to know about sex! So just hang on to your hat!

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